Zodiac Signs as Reality TV Contestants

Deep down, we’re all just one confessional away from a meltdown.

Aries

Starts strong. Yells in the group challenge. Makes an alliance and an enemy before episode two. “I didn’t come here to play nice—I came to win.”

Taurus

Finds the best bed. Refuses to participate in drama unless someone eats their snacks. Wears the same hoodie in every confessional.

Gemini

Instigates everything. Hosts the unofficial after-hours gossip hour. Somehow has three alliances and a solo arc.

Cancer

Cries in episode one. Cooks for everyone. Says “I just want us all to get along” before casting the most strategic vote of the season.

Leo

Dressed for the finale from day one. Center of the group shot. Wins immunity just to make a speech about it.

Virgo

Memorized the rules. Tracks everyone’s moves in a secret notebook. Nobody knows they’re controlling the game. They do.

Libra

Caught in a love triangle, a voting alliance, and a skincare controversy. Makes it to the finale on vibes and negotiation alone.

Scorpio

Mysterious. Intense. Always lurking in the background until a very well-timed blindside. Probably narrating the season.

Sagittarius

Breaks a rule. Laughs about it. Spends most of the show trying to escape the villa for “an adventure.”

Capricorn

Treats it like a job interview. Says things like “I’m here for the right reasons” while eliminating the competition one spreadsheet at a time.

Aquarius

Builds an alliance based on shared conspiracy theories. Proposes an ethical overhaul of the voting system. Still gets eliminated for “being too weird.”

Pisces

Emotionally invested in everyone. Cries during group challenges. Writes a poem in the sand that ends up as the season finale voiceover.